The Chronicles of Karaoke
by Kris Granger 2k6
Summary: Harry Potter, Kareoke Style! This series of SongFics are guarenteed to make you laugh! Chapter II now up.
1. I Voldy's Turn

There was a gentle buzz of harmless chat and applause, as the last act cleared off the oaken stage.

In a Louisianan pub, it was karaoke night and everyone from far and wide had been invited, from Gloria Gaynor to J Lo; From Greenday, to the Backstreet Boys.

The bartender, a stoutly man, with little hair on his swollen head, more on his upper lip, gave a smile, masked by his prominent moustache.

"Next up, we have Lord Voldemort, with 'I Will Survive'"

The artist in question stood up. Ms. Gaynor was looking remarkable for her age, in a satin white gown.

"That's my song!" she wailed.

A tall, thin man, with a white face, and snake-like features, his twig-like body wrapped in thick robes and cloaks, stepped onto the stage. It became very cold in the room…

"Back off sister. I'm singing it." The man said. "Avada Kedevra!" he bellowed, murdering Gloria.

"That was Gloria Gaynor!" said a muscular member of Greenday.

"R.I.P." Voldemort said lazily, and there was another flash of light, leaving Greenday, and one very surprised racoon, which had snuck in to seek food and warmth, dead.

The light's dimmed, and the music began to play. Voldemort threw off his cloaks, to reveal a white sleeveless shirt, and Calvin Klein jeans. He winked at J Lo, as his back dancers came on; Draco, Crabbe and Goyle.

The three teenagers began a crazy dance, between a tango and a waltz, arms flying wildly through the air.

Voldemort pressed his lips against the microphone, as he began:

"_Now I hear,  
This prophecy  
Had to track down this little boy  
__And mark as my enemy.  
__I spent so many days  
__Terrorizing muggles till they died  
__So why did one measly boy  
__Manage to bring it all down?"_

Voldemort threw the microphone stand to the floor, and held the microphone in his hand, doing moves which would make J Lo jealous and Evanesance envious.

"_But I didn't die there  
__I was barely alive  
__But I knew I had to kill this lad  
__To fulfil the prophecy  
__I would get back my body  
__I would become immortal  
__I'd be strong  
__And I'd learn how to kill Potter now!"_

With a well aimed kick, a startled moggy was sent flying by Lord Voldemort, crashing into the kitchen.

"_So go on, now, go  
__Make fun of me.  
__You won't be laughing  
__When you're hanging from a tree  
__Did you think I'd crumble  
Did you think I'd lay down and die  
Oh no, not I  
I will survive  
Oh as long as I know how to kill  
I know I will stay alive  
I've got all my life to live  
I've got all my enemies to kill  
__and I'll survive  
I will survive (hey-hey)"  
_

Draco was hoisted into the air by his cronies, and spun several times, before the three copied Lord Voldemort's freakish dance moves, which were equal to those which uncool Dad's do at parties or other important events in their children's lives.

_It took all the strength I had  
not to fall apart  
had to find a little spell  
__Which would save my life  
__and I spent oh so many nights  
just feeling sorry for myself  
I used to cry  
But now I hold my head up high  
and you see me  
somebody new  
I'm Lord Voldy, you see  
__And I'm gonna kill thee  
__Harry Potter beware  
__If he values his life  
__I'll kick his little butt  
__And then make Hermione my wife!_

This part of the song gave Voldemort a few strange looks, as an old pensioner tried to escape. Voldemort cast a none-verbal Death spell, and the old woman crumpled, as if she'd been hit by a train,

_"So go on, now, go  
__Make fun of me.  
__You won't be laughing  
__When you're hanging from a tree  
__Did you think I'd crumble  
Did you think I'd lay down and die  
Oh no, not I  
I will survive  
Oh as long as I know how to kill  
I know I will stay alive  
I've got all my life to live  
I've got all my enemies to kill  
__and I'll survive  
I will survive!"_

There was silence in the audience, everyone exchanged glances. The backup dancers were bright red, and dehydrated, ran for the bar.

"Obliviate" Voldemort cried, but to no avail. He was now pointing the microphone, instead of his wand, at the audience. His wand, however, was being used by Draco to make the barmaid fall for him. "For goodness sake." Voldemort cried.

"Look into my eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, look into my eyes. You're under!" He snapped his fingers, and at this, the audience sat up instantly. "You just saw an excellent show, and will applaud until your hands fall off. 3, 2, 1, you're back in the room."

Everyone began to scream, and cheer wildly. Voldemort bowed. "Thank you, thank you. Now, good night. Avada Kedavra."

Everyone died instantly, besides Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, and Voldemort.

As the wizards left the bar, back in their robes, Voldemort bent down and whispered to Draco; "I've never told anyone, but I'm only good at killing spells. I suck at any other magic."


	2. II The Hero

At the Louisianan Pub (now under new management due to the death of the previous owner), it was the weekly karaoke night once again. Soothing chatter eased the nerves of the singers, mostly drunkards saying whatever they could in their unfocused minds and mouths.

An elderly woman who had sang a very bad rendition of a Michael Jackson hit, fell off the stage with a clatter. The burly new barkeep got on stage and announced the next act.

"'Arry Potter" he said, and there were several unnerved whispers. The last time someone had being announced by name, they'd killed all the audience.

A sixteen year old lad got on stage, blushing furiously, slightly tipsy from the muggle alcohol. His glasses askew and his clothes slightly burnt (Hagrid had insisted Harry had tended to his new baby dragon), the boy looked rather nervous.

However, the music started up, and he began to sing;

"_Why do I have to be a good guy  
__People think I'm some sort of god  
__Why am I their Hercules?  
__To fight the rising odds  
__Why am I their white knight, why am I their King  
__Why the hell did I agree to sing?"_

All the older women in the bar gave a dreamy sigh, and 'aww'-ed at the young boy. Meanwhile, all the men went to get another pint.

"_'Cause I am their hero  
I've got to find this Voldemort dude  
I've gotta be strong  
And I've gotta be fast  
Or Voldemort will toast my a$$  
__I am their hero  
I've gotta kill him, even though that's crude  
__I've gotta be sure  
And it's gotta be soon  
And I've gotta be larger than life"_

There were some cheers when the lad cried a profanity. However, it turned out that Wales had just scored against Scotland in the Premier League.

"_Somewhere after midnight  
In my wildest fantasy  
Somewhere just beyond my reach  
The hero isn't me  
Racing on the Threasals and fighting for my life  
Once I've beaten Voldemort, how will I get a wife?"_

He winked at the young barmaid, who turned pink and went to collect the grimy mugs which everyone was drinking from.

"_'Cause I am their hero  
I've got to find this Voldemort dude  
I've gotta be strong  
And I've gotta be fast  
Or Voldemort will toast my a$$  
__I am their hero  
I've gotta kill him, even though that's crude  
__I've gotta be sure  
And it's gotta be soon  
And I've gotta be larger than life"_

He pulled out a strange stick, and and pointed it at the ceiling, causing several harmless fireworks to explode within the tavern.

"_Up in Hogwarts, where we learn our spells  
__We have a lesson called DADA  
__I could swear I'd kill him, but what would that mean?  
__If I failed and didn't keep him at bay?"_

He span around, doing several exotic dance moves, including the splits, handstands, headstands, and other fancy flips. The crowd 'ooh'-ed and 'aah'-ed, but the men were still watching the close football game in the corner.

"_Through the wind and the chill and the rain  
And the storm and the flood  
I can feel his approach  
Like the fire in my blood"_

He dropped the mike and leapt off the stage, taking the hand of the beautiful barmaid, and began to tango wildly with her.

"'_Cause I am their hero  
I've got to find this Voldemort dude  
I've gotta be strong  
And I've gotta be fast  
Or Voldemort will toast my a$$  
__I am their hero  
I've gotta kill him, even though that's crude  
__I've gotta be sure  
And it's gotta be soon  
And I've gotta be larger than life"_

The song ended, and their was an uproar of cheering (Wales had won 2-1) and every clapped madly.

"Let's blow this place, baby," he said, and he and the Barmaid walked out those doors, hand-in-hand, leaving a teary eyed Hermione and a fuming Ron behind.


End file.
